Thursday, October 25, 2012

Fall Down

It has been quite a while since I last wrote and I blame a number of causes for that.  Mostly I've been waiting for uplifting inspiration to strike, not wanting share an update of more "woe is me", because overall my life is great and that is what I really want to share here, but I'm trying to shake this suffocating depression that isn't leaving much room for anything else.

Every year when September hits, like clockwork, all I want to do is hunker down and hibernate.  I want to be home, anti social and wear PJs at all times.  This year, however, those desires are much more intense than I remember them. There is a deeply rooted sense of dread that turns my stomach and is sucking me dry.  Dread at the thought of what happens when Clif and I try again to have a baby.  Dread at the outcome of the election, how to get through the campaigning leading up to it and the impact the result will have on my beliefs versus my family's.  Dread at having to figure out a way to afford a replacement sliding glass door and desperately needed tree trimming, having a growing list of house and yard projects that will probably never get done, finding the mental and emotional strength to stand up to the rantings of completely unreasonable customers, getting through each day and still trying to find energy and motivation for chores and after-work activities that have all been suffering in the wake of my apathy.  Dread about finances, responsibilities, failures, eventualities...

I know the things that make me feel better: getting chores done, going to the gym or other physical activity, keeping up with tasks and expectations.  I also know where I've been failing: getting chores done, going to the gym or other physical activity, keeping up with tasks and expectations.

Part of me needs this; large, uninterrupted chunks of time where all I have to do is exist.  I love it to a very large extent, so telling me to suck it up, get out of the house and DO things is not as much help as you would expect.  If anything a lot of that doing comes back around to contributing to the problems and then I get stuck in this circular think-hole that only piles onto my anxieties.

An example of such a process:  I am feeling really down and I've been slacking so I should go to class tonight because I love it, the people I train with and it makes me feel better.  It is also expensive and equates to money that I really should be putting into savings instead, especially now that I have an increased financial responsibility.  Yes, but that can be said about everything money is spent on, and while some things can be cut out, where do I draw the line?  The logical answer is to draw the line where it needs to be drawn: don't spend a penny on anything that isn't absolutely necessary.  So I should expect to cut out every thing that I love and enjoy and save money but be unhappy having to give them up?  Or, do I continue to spend but feel miserable and guilty for not saving?  Then, when I'm nice and worked up about having no clue what decision to make I'll just keep paying the money for the things I love but keep skipping because the waves of depression keep me chained to the living room.  Soon every choice or opportunity to leave the house can be justified away by saying it saves time and money to only walk out the front door to go to work or if the house is on fire.

Is your head spinning?  Try a seat in mine.

My chest hurts more often than not and I'm tired of it.  Fed up and frustrated at myself for knowing better but not having the will power to do something to fix the situation.  This is usually the part where well-intentioned friends and loved ones offer advice on what to do or not do.  Don't get me wrong, advice can be great, but in this case it is largely more frustrating than helpful.  For the most part the advice offered isn't anything I don't already know and the re-hashing of it just makes me feel stupid and weak.  Sometimes all I want to do is feel angry, be allowed to feel down and vent about it.

Part of me needs to kick my own rear and get back to the activities I've been passing on because it makes me feel so much better when I do.  Part of me wants to force myself out of the house and to be more social, even though it wears me out.  Part of me wants to look through the budget and cut every single financial thing out of my life that does not equate to keeping a roof over our head and food on the table.  Part of me wishes I was in a mental and emotional place that would allow me to let someone else just tell me what to do, already, then hold my hand.